Decisions and Decisions and Thoughts...

Each day I think and pray about many things. Naturally, I am a very deep thinker. I care a lot about people and have what some may consider to be strongly rooted values and views. I know what I believe, where I stand with most issues and who I want to be. Notice the word want, implying that I am not there yet. I know my imperfections, my humanity (and hence, human nature), my flaws, but also my strengths. To some extent I am outgoing and articulate, especially among those close to me, but I also crave silence at the same time. I long for the interior silence I once found, and once had, that for a long while I have not been able to have. I've struggled lately to quieten my heart from all that's going on around me and just focus on God. It's made me play up a lot in classes and around people in ways I normally wouldn't. I just haven't been myself.
At the moment, I have a number of tough decisions to make. I don't want to leave anything too late. I need to make up my mind soon because, as it is in the human world (and I am thankful God is outside time), there are deadlines. To some extent, I am comforted by the words we can meditate upon in Ecclesiastes 3 - "there is a time for everything...and all will be done in God's time". I recall something my parish priest in England said to me, "when we seek to do God's Will, we live at a divine rhythm, one that does not follow the human rhythm of things, so it's normal to feel nervous and a bit uneasy". In fact, my formation mistress from when I was in the Pre-Postulant Candidacy said this to me, "it means you are taking it seriously if you are nervous". The thing is, after discerning for so long, I was sure I knew where I was going. I spent six years discerning God's Will, maybe even to the extent of begging Him for a Religious Vocation. I was so close to entering Postulancy, and a month before entering wanted to run a million miles away from God, it was so overwhelming. I was so sad with everything that my parents had said about me entering (having been against it for many years) and I was under a lot of pressure not to enter. I felt unsteady and not ready. I never bothered to express that until I went to the convent on what would have been my entrance date for a meeting with the formation director. I told her then that I wanted to delay, and that's how I ended up on a degree course. When I told other people I wouldn't be entering in 2014, they were surprised. I wasn't. I felt like I needed some space, some time away from all I knew back home to really discern God's Will.
Honestly, it's been a complete roller coaster ride.  Normally, I enjoy silence. I like quietness, and I'm known to be quite soft spoken and quiet unless with people I know very well and am very close to. The only exception to that is music. I love music. I enjoy writing and composing songs - I have two albums and am writing a third.Those who know me well will have seen me when I'm working, thinking and praying. I will be totally silent. You won't hear me speak. You will see my type and write, and draw, but not speak. I love to stay constantly in prayer too. Jesus blesses me with many beautiful images, using my imagination to reveal Truths to me. It is indescribably peaceful. :) I know God loves us all, no matter what, and I am constantly reminded that "do not be afraid" is in scripture 365 times - once for every day. Let us end on that note. God bless!

The little things...

I used to think that life was all about the big things - the highlights, the milestones, and the landmarks. I now know that's not the case. As a matter of fact, it is indeed the little things we remember. The things like the gentleman who held the door open for me, the bus driver who waited for me to run for the bus, the person who gave me change for the machine for when I didn't have any. I remember even the look of my friends when I first met them, even those I've known for years. These are the kinds of things we never forget. The little details are what makes the world a better place.

These are the things I remember, and the things I think people should pay more attention to. It just makes life a little easier and a little brighter at times.

Thank-you to all the people who are kind and helpful, who always try to do the little things to make a difference in people's lives. :)

In University until 3am and beyond...

I tried an experiment today. I decided to stay at the atrium garden until past 3am. The security guard came and switched the lights off, so we packed our things and followed a random student down the lift to near the biology labs. He showed us the place where we could stay until 5am, or even beyond that. However, throughout the night, at regular intervals, I walked around the college grounds. I saw students and observed their behaviour. I found it very interesting. Some were studying, while others were gaming or watching things online. Some were with friends, boyfriends and girlfriends, and others were alone. I wondered why these students didn't go home and why they were there so late. I just sincerely hope that the reason they don't go back is because they don't have a proper place to go back, or that it's really difficult to study where they are staying.
I don't really know these students who stay on campus so late, but I pray that they will be okay. 
Thus ends the write-up! x

Thinking and thinking...

Recently, I've been told that I "think too much". It's not coming from one person, but from several different people, including both men and women, both those close to me and those who hardly know me at all. It's been worrying me actually. Naturally, I've always been a reflective person. I remember one particular time in the convent, before I was received as a Candidate, when my formation mistress told me she thought I was a naturally reflective person, and wasn't surprised when I wrote about six pages on the prayer of San Damiano in one hour when asked to carry out a devotional exercise one weekend. That was a time when my reflective personality and gift of reflection could be used to the full. I could write many, many things on different topics, and bring in all God has placed around me as my inspiration. These things are what I enjoyed sharing with many. I've always loved to see people smile and receive those words, the insights prompted by the Holy Spirit and find joy. 

I don't really know how to respond to certain situations. When people tell me I think too much, I think I end up thinking more. I become more of an interior thinker, but I don't tell people that. What's inside my mind? Well, lots of things. I care about everyone and anyone I meet. Those whom I know, and those I don't. For me, everyone is a member of my extended family. It's something I learned when I discovered the charism of the Franciscan Minoress. It is something I will always take with me in life, no matter what happens. I remember as a child asking God, "To whom am I supposed to give all this love to? The love that you bestow upon me, which you have blessed me with? It is so empowering, so strong, burning like fire wanting to spread." God blessed me with the love for all people, for poor and rich, sick and healthy, sane and insane, in all things, God has blessed me with a brilliant love, not only for and of Himself, but for every single one of His children too. It is so beautiful. This is my thinking when I do things for people, when I help them, when I spend time with them. I am not perfect, though I am always aware and thinking of how to share God's love with them in the little things. :)

So, forgive me if I over analyse situations. I really don't mean to. In fact, it's only because I really, and truly care about you. If I didn't, then the simple fact would be that I would take things lightly and brush them off, but I don't. I hope you understand. 

With love and prayer.

Consummatum est.