Each day I think and pray about many things. Naturally, I am a very deep thinker. I care a lot about people and have what some may consider to be strongly rooted values and views. I know what I believe, where I stand with most issues and who I want to be. Notice the word want, implying that I am not there yet. I know my imperfections, my humanity (and hence, human nature), my flaws, but also my strengths. To some extent I am outgoing and articulate, especially among those close to me, but I also crave silence at the same time. I long for the interior silence I once found, and once had, that for a long while I have not been able to have. I've struggled lately to quieten my heart from all that's going on around me and just focus on God. It's made me play up a lot in classes and around people in ways I normally wouldn't. I just haven't been myself.
At the moment, I have a number of tough decisions to make. I don't want to leave anything too late. I need to make up my mind soon because, as it is in the human world (and I am thankful God is outside time), there are deadlines. To some extent, I am comforted by the words we can meditate upon in Ecclesiastes 3 - "there is a time for everything...and all will be done in God's time". I recall something my parish priest in England said to me, "when we seek to do God's Will, we live at a divine rhythm, one that does not follow the human rhythm of things, so it's normal to feel nervous and a bit uneasy". In fact, my formation mistress from when I was in the Pre-Postulant Candidacy said this to me, "it means you are taking it seriously if you are nervous". The thing is, after discerning for so long, I was sure I knew where I was going. I spent six years discerning God's Will, maybe even to the extent of begging Him for a Religious Vocation. I was so close to entering Postulancy, and a month before entering wanted to run a million miles away from God, it was so overwhelming. I was so sad with everything that my parents had said about me entering (having been against it for many years) and I was under a lot of pressure not to enter. I felt unsteady and not ready. I never bothered to express that until I went to the convent on what would have been my entrance date for a meeting with the formation director. I told her then that I wanted to delay, and that's how I ended up on a degree course. When I told other people I wouldn't be entering in 2014, they were surprised. I wasn't. I felt like I needed some space, some time away from all I knew back home to really discern God's Will.
Honestly, it's been a complete roller coaster ride. Normally, I enjoy silence. I like quietness, and I'm known to be quite soft spoken and quiet unless with people I know very well and am very close to. The only exception to that is music. I love music. I enjoy writing and composing songs - I have two albums and am writing a third.Those who know me well will have seen me when I'm working, thinking and praying. I will be totally silent. You won't hear me speak. You will see my type and write, and draw, but not speak. I love to stay constantly in prayer too. Jesus blesses me with many beautiful images, using my imagination to reveal Truths to me. It is indescribably peaceful. :) I know God loves us all, no matter what, and I am constantly reminded that "do not be afraid" is in scripture 365 times - once for every day. Let us end on that note. God bless!
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