When I was four years old, I went to a Church of England school and I remember it being very strict, but somehow quite nice. People there were kind and helpful. The only thing is that when I went to Sunday Services, I felt an emptiness in my heart, like I knew something was missing deep inside me. I never really understood too much at that age, so I didn't really do anything other than follow instructions from those older than myself.
From the time I was five until when I was about seven or eight, things were more or less the same, except I had moved between a few schools and was at a secular primary school in London by the time I reached eight. I never really paid much attention to religion or God in my life at the time. When I was about nine I used to think about all the people I knew getting married, and I said to myself that one day it would be my turn. At the age of 10, I started turning to God with little prayers every now again, asking for things that probably seem rather silly now, things like my friends being happy, if only they would be on the same PE team! Now I think of it, it sounds awfully funny!
Just before my 11th birthday, I moved to Hong Kong and started Year Seven. I had been moved up a year, and my adoptive mother had some things to sort out in the UK, so I was staying with my adoptive father for a while. I remember feeling angry because I did not understand why I was left there with a maid/housekeeper half the time since my adoptive father was always on business trips all the time. When I turned 11 I joined a prayer group at school and found that basically, everyone there except me was Catholic. It reminded me of when I had told myself I wanted to be Catholic when I was three. I started to develop my prayer life a bit, and borrowed a Bible from my English teacher, who also taught Religious Studies at the school. I would read it often, but I never really spoke about it with anyone. I only prayed with the prayer group at school, and sometimes privately at home. I never went to Church at that time.
At some point during my first year of secondary school it was like a brick wall had been built around me and I was trapped, away from the presence of God, and it really scared me. I remember one of the girls leading the prayer group at school had said to me that she knew "one of us here" was in need, and that we were under some sort of devil attack, if you like. Or at least, that is how it seemed to all of us. I remember being scared and frightened, so much so I even stopped praying for a while. I moved away to a boarding school in Malaysia after that, and that was a time when I claimed I had "thrown my faith out the window!". I rebelled, hardly ever prayed, never really bothered about living my life with any regard to service to God and all the rest of it. It was all about being an immature, ridiculous clown, and believe me, looking back, it seems plain stupid!
When I turned 13, I moved back to England, and attended a Catholic School. It was half way through year 9, and apparently, I shocked teachers at "how well I settled in" when everything was meant to be new to me. I had never been to a Catholic school, I was a total rebel, and I was scared of praying...now what on earth can you do with someone like that? - or at least that is what I thought. It was only about six months later that I decided to give God "another try" if you like. I wanted to develop my prayer life, because I knew somehow that that would lead me to be closer to God. I always thought of prayer as a conversation with God, and when I was little, I had this little bookmark that reminded me of my friend, Jesus, watching over me, waiting for me to come to Him. For the last few years I felt so empty, so frustrated, and I felt more upset than angry, so I guess I turned to God. I started praying daily, then twice a day, then more and more often. I recall remembering when I used to say to myself that I would always go to the Chapel at my future university everyday after my lectures to spend time with the Lord in prayer. (It is the norm for my family that everyone goes on to university. Hardly anyone in my family is without a degree).
After my 14th birthday I started experiencing what I used to call "urges to pray" or "religious trances" - seemed a strange way to describe it, but it's just one of those things you simply cannot describe in words. I spoke to my parish priest at the time about developing my prayer life and asked him where I could get a Rosary. He gave me one, and I used it all the time. I taught myself how to pray the Rosary from EWTN. I found a sense of fulfilment in prayer, although I knew there was still something missing. That is when I decided to get in touch with the Tyburn Nuns, only to ask them for a prayer request - I told them that I had this very strong desire for prolonged prayer (or at least that was what I was trying to say when I technically rambled a load of words in an email to them). Mother M. Edmund Campion OSB (R.I.P.) responded to me and asked me to keep them informed. She said from the sounds of what I said, it sounded like God could be calling me to the religious life. From then onwards, I always kept the Tyburn Nuns informed.
At 15, I learned to pray the Chaplet of Divine Mercy and more prayers and more about the Catholic Church. I would speak to my RS teacher and ask her lots of questions about the faith, and various other theological issues I did not understand. That was a year of learning. I had some trouble at home and my mother was very against the Catholic faith, and thought school was brainwashing me, because I had tried to tell her I wanted to become a Catholic and possibly even a sister. She confiscated my Rosary and screamed at me saying I would go straight to Hell because I was a bad person and betrayed her. She told me that Hail Marys would not save me, but for me, it was not about that, it was about being a child of God, and knowing and sharing His love, and praying to Our Lady to ask her to intercede my prayers. I tried to pray when I could, and eventually, my RS teacher gave me a small decade Rosary, one I could hide in my pocket and take around with me everywhere I went without my mother ever finding it. At Mass at school I would sing as a cantor. I loved music and was in six music ensembles even throughout the GCSE period. I always loved being in the community and doing things and giving, it was something in my nature that allowed me to be involved in many things, including Student Council, standing for mock elections, helping in the eco-committee, doing a ribbon routine for the gymnastics display team and lots more! I even entered some external competitions and won praise and had articles published in newspapers. Life at Catholic school was brilliant. I even won an academic scholarship in Year 11, and I wanted to stay for the Sixth Form, but my parents would not let me. They pulled me out and put me in a sixth form college. It was so difficult, but everyday I prayed that God would eventually reveal the "whys" behind all this madness and disruption.
In my first year at Sixth Form, I messed around a lot, especially in the first term. I was flirting with boys and going crazy, pretending to be some superstar "miss popular". I hated being called "too pure" or "innocent flower" as everyone said I was, so I lied and said I had "gone all the way with boys" - of course, I had not and I still haven't - I don't intend to. It's just one of those phases I went through. Eventually, I got over the whole hype of mad cartwheeling and putting on a show. Since the end of the first year, I calmed down, started going to daily masses and being at Church whenever I could. For a couple of weeks in the Summer, I even went to daily Mass and Rosary groups at Church.
In my final year of college I went to Mass literally whenever I could. Sometimes I was there if lessons were cancelled, if I got into town early or just during my free periods. I tended to just be in Church during term time, unless I was in town during the holidays, and not on some revision course - that is the only other time I could get in for Mass. Otherwise, I was in for parish groups, recitation of the Holy Rosary and adoration at other times. Life was sometimes hard, but generally, I got by. I occasionally prayed the Divine Office, and liked to spend a lot of time in prayer in general. I also wear a veil in Mass from time to time (that is, when I actually remember to bring it). I have also found that patience had my prayers answered many times. As you know, I am involved with this blog, and adding communities and other updates etc to it, and I also write a monthly newsletter. I also did a lot around college and in the community. I have a number of connections and am very blessed to have shared so many experiences with so many different people around the world. I am in touch with several congregations, although more so with some than others.
Summer 2012 - Although I have been exploring a vocation to the religious life, and am quite close to the Tyburn Nuns, I have also been exploring whether God might want me to be in an apostolic or active community. I wonder to myself a lot as to where He wants me, because after all, the only way we can find true fulfilment in our vocation is by listening to where God wants us, what He wants us to do, and how He wants us to get there. I've decided to leave it all up to Him. I was planning on going to university to do either an International Business degree or Accounting degree - depending on my grades, but in the mean time I was exploring a career (or perhaps you might call it a possible vocation) in healthcare. I was hoping to volunteer in a hospital and/or get a job as a healthcare assistant or ward clerk or something like that to see if it really is for me, and if it is, then I will apply to nursing school. If not, well then, I guess I just carry on with things and see where God wants me to go next. I always think I will end up somewhere doing one thing, but from experience, I have ended up half way across the world before, so I cannot say anything with the slightest bit of reassurance since I might as well take each day as it comes.
September 2012 - At least, that was what I thought until I somehow ended up in a Retail Apprenticeship for this year, that could potentially lead to a permanent position in retail. I have moved to London, as planned, but then everything else I had thought about has almost gone out the window! I have signed up for RCIA which started towards the end of September 2012, and God willing, I will be received next year. I have also visited Tyburn Convent and the Salesian Sisters in London. I still don't really know where God is calling me, although sometimes I really do wonder if I will ever find fulfilment since I'm so drawn just to giving everything I have to help anyone and everyone - it's all I've ever wanted to do - help those in need, no matter what that need is, and how big or small it may be. I can only pray that God will reveal His plan to me during my lifetime so I might fulfil His will. Please do keep me in your prayer as I will keep you in mine.
October 2012 - I recently switched parishes for a number of reasons I would rather keep to myself, lest I stumble into means of gossiping. I have been going to the RCIA at the new parish now for some time. I find the RCIA discussions and lessons much deeper than at my previous parish, and I feel like I am getting a lot out of it. The lesson on Lectio Divina, which was how I was taught my RS GCSE reminded me of a lot of things, and although I haven't really used it too much in recent times, I found it allowed me to listen more carefully to how God is speaking to me through the passages/scripture we were reading. As it happens, due to the Mass times etc at the new parish, I can go to daily masses, and have been doing so since joining the parish. I also like to try and get there for Lauds (Morning prayer) before Mass if I can, and I like to get to parish groups there too. There is a lovely praise and worship prayer group on Monday evenings, which I like to go to, and also the Novena of St. Antony on Tuesday evenings. At other times, especially when I have a day off, I go to Church for the Exposition of the Blessed Sacrament, where there is Vespers (Evening prayer), recitation of the Holy Rosary and Adoration, all of which I am very drawn to. Things are now starting to get very serious as sacramental preparation is really "kicking in" if you like, and there is a lot to learn, even having been under informal instruction for the last three years, I still have a fair bit to learn. I think it is useful though, that I am able to follow the Mass (even in Latin - some of the priests do certain parts in Latin) and that I am familiar with Catholic devotions and prayer. I am still getting to grips with the Divine Office, but I am almost there, and with some patience and persistence, I will eventually learn my way around it! :)
November 2012 - Recently, I had been praying about doing more in my spiritual life, and for guidance on how I can serve more in Church and also on how I can develop my spiritual life. You see, even though people say I do know a lot, and have learnt a lot, especially in recent years, I still have a lot to learn. The learning of spiritual virtues will never stop until possibly when we go from this life to the next, by which time you best be hoping that you are not suffering too much in purgatory and that you think about that now and stop repeating the same dreadful sins over and over again! My parish priest asked me to answer the phones and the door, and I accepted the offer, so have been doing it whenever I can now, which is lovely. I also sometimes help out the youth co-ordinator at Church and she has been telling me a lot about the Dominicans and her various activities associated with being a lay Dominican, of which she is involved with. It is very interesting to hear about the Dominicans since I had always heard about them from time to time from a number of my Catholic friends.
December 2012 - I have also been looking into spiritual direction, and have been speaking to my parish priest about it. He did offer to help me with it, but suggested it might be better to have a female Religious who could perhaps guide me more with regards to the female Religious life since I think he is aware of my discernment along that route, despite the fact I am trying to "tone it down" so it's not so obvious that I'm exploring it while still in the RCIA! He asked me to pray about it for a week or two, and I came to the conclusion that it would be better off not to have a female Religious guide me, for many reasons I will explain at a later date. I prefer to be under the guidance and direciton of a priest, and after praying about it for just over a week, I decided to ask about it. I only hope that it will help me to see things more objectively and also to discern where God might be calling me to, although my immediate aim at the moment is to receive the sacraments, which I have long been waiting for.
February 2013 - The Rite of Signing for the Deanery and the Rite of Election at the Cathedral were both very moving. Lent has started, and so has this time of preparation for us all to be received into the Church.
March 2013 - At the Easter Vigil on Holy Saturday evening, along with 11 other people, I was received into the Catholic Church! Nine of us were baptised, and then there were three candidates who were received into full communion with the Church. I was told that when I was being baptised Catholic, the faces of the Brothers (we have Religious priests) lit up and all of them were smiling. We were then all confirmed together, and I took the confirmation name Therese (after St Therese of Lisieux). I was later told it was written all over me by one of the brothers who claimed it was on his top five for confirmation saints for me. LOL! We then received first communion together (I was apparently the only person who received on the tongue) and it was beautiful to be able to receive Jesus in the Eucharist after wanting this for 15 years! I am loving being in full communion with the Church and am really enjoying it. God Bless you all and Happy Easter.
July 2013 - I have been in full communion with the Church for a while now. To be honest, it actually seems like forever, and I am so at home - I remember one of the things that everyone was saying to me was "Welcome Home" when I entered the Catholic Church. This beautiful journey is still continuing though, it is still an on-going adventure that I am walking along, and I am so blessed with the gift of knowing that I have our Lord and our Lady watching over me, and walking with me on this exciting path. What did strike me at prayer group on the 15th July 2013, when my brothers and sisters in Christ were praying over me is this image that one of them had of me walking in a deep forest and getting lost, and going down one path, and thinking that it might be where I need to go, but then finding I need to go down another one and have to start all over again. As I continue to discern God's will for me, I ask for your prayers, especially as I find certain things growing on me with time, and a deeper, inner attraction for the Religious Life, so I ask that the Holy Spirit may guide me and lead me in God's time to the place He wants me to be, and make it clear and help me to know His will.
August 2013 - Things have changed significantly over the past few months. Along my journey, I have found a certain clarity in the path that God has set out for me. I am still completely and utterly terrified because I know God wants everything - He wants my whole life and, I dare say, more than that! I have a second visit to a community of sisters I have been discerning with and I am contemplating taking things further and praying about the next step. I will not rush things, but at the same time, I don't want to be delaying any longer than I need to to properly discern my vocation. God's will in my life is much clearer now and I have a good idea of where He might want me. This is something I am still praying about and given time, I believe things will become clearer. Please keep me in your prayer as I currently have a number of important decisions to make now and they could change my life completely. Thank-you.
September 2013 - I know I probably shouldn't be saying this, but I have said it rather a few times lately, "WHY ask ME to give my whole life? Haven't YOU got so many children, God to choose from, to ask, who want it so much more than me, who can love so much more than me, who can give so much more than me? So why, oh why, God ask me to walk this path?" and I pray, well, "enlighten me, Lord!" and this is the answer I get - the gift of wisdom to know in my heart that it's not about deserving or how much better someone is at something, or how much more virtuous they are, but about God's will and His plan for any given individual, and in that is included myself. I find the scripture verse, Matthew 16:18 at the back of my mind after reading the Gospels again, and IT WILL NOT LEAVE ME! You really don't know how much it keeps "ringing at me", like a phone off the hook! It's also this "spiritual knowing" of what God wants of me right now - you see, what I also want to know is where He is leading me, and well, I guess I'll leave the "why" til I reach the other side of the grave, and God forbid it ever be too soon! The thing is, it's like standing at a sign post saying, "London 50 miles (to use Father John's signpost analogy of London 50 miles), turn right" and if I speed down the road on the left, I find myself going round the back route and taking the short cut to "London" and getting there even faster than I could possibly imagine, maybe cutting out 20 miles or so? (where London represents the place God is trying to send me, and the road represents the path He is trying to walk with me...I say trying because I'm a stubborn child who sometimes tries to resist and then ends up giving in because I can't resist the Holy Spirit for the life of me!)...I once said to my PP, God has thrown a pie in my face and I'm trying to deny it's there! But now, I just give in - God's will be done! :P
October 2013 - I'm still on my training scheme, which has been extended and will last until the end of January 2014. In the meantime, I'm still discerning and my journey is progressing and things are becoming clearer and clearer as time goes by. My family are sort of getting to used to the idea of me being actively involved in the ministry of the Catholic Church, and although I haven't given them all the details, I have mentioned things like the fact I have been visiting Religious Sisters (not that I directly told them that I was discerning and thinking about entering at some stage), but that I have been involved with various ministries in the Church. They don't know about this blog or the Facebook Vocations Chat Group I help to organise with Sr Marianne Lucchesi FSM. So, the question is, what is in my heart? What do I deeply and truly desire, and where does God want me? I also ask what the Lord wants me to do - what has He got planned for me? These questions are exciting ones on this journey and beautiful to explore. Although they can be the most painstakingly difficult ones to answer, they are the most beautiful when you do find that answer, and whether it means you are called to Religious Life, Single Consecrated Life, Marriage or the like, then by God, isn't it a wonderful thing to do God's Will?!
I remember talking to my Parish Priest once and he said this to me, "when we live to do God's will, we live at a divine rhythm and in fact, we are human, so to be slightly afraid and nervous is a healthy reaction to have. It's a human reaction, and a human want to live at a human rhythm, but when responding to God's call, we have to live at a divine rhythm to really discover God's will".
A lot has been happening lately, with developments in all areas of my life. It has been a lot to take in at times, but never too much, since God always gives us the grace to manage whatever it is that is happening in our lives. This I truly believe. Something that has always caught my attention is the fact that as I journey deeper and further into this "forest", on the adventure to discovering God's will for me, I experience both the most beautiful joy and peace in my heart, but at the same time a slight, but healthy sadness; a joy of excitement on this adventure, and a peace so deep that it could only come from God, both of which reassure me that Jesus is walking this path with me, but also 'the little sadness' of knowing that part of that journey means leaving behind some of the greatest things I have ever experienced and the best friends I have had in my life so far.
January 2014 - So much has happened since I last wrote. Many things have become so much clearer and I have found myself, although sometimes saddened by events that have happened in my life, also overjoyed at what God has brought out of every situation. I always remember Romans 8:28 - "God works with those who love Him and will turn all to their good". I have been deepening the discernment process with a particular congregation and over time, I have found myself 'at home' there. There is such a deep peace in my heart that I cannot imagine myself anywhere else. That is where my heart is. I recall a vision I had when I was 17, of building a Chapel/little Church, and for a long time I asked and asked continuously what it meant. After a while I had forgotten about this vision the Lord had given me. Then, on the certificate I was given when received into the Church there was written from Matthew 16:18 - "upon this rock I will build my church". Later in Summer last year that verse resonated with me again when I was in the convent. Then during my last visit 24-26th January 2014, the verse resonated with me again, and that's when I remembered the vision I had. Suddenly it all made sense. This was the Father asking something of me, not in a physical sense, but a spiritual sense. God was asking something from me that I had always been very nervous about. I took a leap of faith, and have made some decisions with the congregation to further my discernment with them, and I will be on a live-in next month. Part of that live-in though, includes going to Youth 2000 in Leeds, which I am very excited about and am looking forward to very much.
May 2014 - Everything is up in the air at the moment. Here is a time that could be looked at in two very different ways. Either we start worrying about what will happen next, and dwell on the "theology of the possibles" (which, by the way, isn't a theology!!) or we can place ourselves completely into the hands of the Lord, trusting that He will bring the best out of each day. We must think of each person we meet as our brother and sister in Christ, as it says in Scripture, "everyone whose life is upright is a child of God" (1 Jn 2:29 - 3:3) and believe that our life is not for ourselves but for God, and also, in an inspiring way, for our brothers and sisters in Christ too. Lately, I have been questioning my motivations for the decisions I made, and I keep asking the Lord if this is what He wants for me. The answer I keep getting is the same I have heard over and over again. The two lines I heard and spoke to one of the Sisters about some time ago "Lord, what do you want me to do?" and "do not delay" keep coming back to me. As well as that, my heart burns and longs to serve more fully, more completely, and nothing in this life could ever satisfy me as much as giving my whole life to God. How could you possibly ask me to choose between the perfect love of our Lord and the society in this world today? It seems such an easy choice to make, but the temptations and lures of this world keep trying to step in and seduce me in different ways. My only prayer in response is for strength and protection, and to always be faithful to our dearly Beloved Lord. I ask that I can learn from the experiences I have had and continue to grow in holiness and closeness towards Jesus. I pray that I may share this strength and the wisdom from what I have learnt with my dear brothers and sisters in Christ, and then I cannot ask for any more than to love Him as fully as possible, by living for Him to bring about His Kingdom. Amen.
June 2014 - Things have been made clearer on my path, although I feel like I only really know half the story. Please God, in September I will start a two year university degree, which will give me an opportunity to grow and mature, as well as clarify further what it is the Lord wants me to do. On one hand, there is still this very deep attraction to being able to serve as a community, to pray together, to work together, to share our lives with each other...and with that the burning desire in my heart to give myself wholly to God, but then there is the pressure from my family and the threat to disown me if I even go to Mass regularly, let alone discern a possible vocation to Religious Life. I know that if God did want me to do anything, He would give me the grace to live out whatever it is He calls me to, but on the other hand, the human side of me wonders whether I could cope with it. Although, saying that, I still have a very deep peace in my heart and a very strong sense of being 'at home' with a particular congregation, and the more "fun" I have, in the sense of spending time with friends or going to theme parks or whatever (you name it!), the more drawn I am to ask to visit the Sisters again...and yet I love my life in London, I love the parish and my friends and family around and I enjoy being in the community - I even cook up random meals for a Christian community every Wednesday just for fun because I know some of the girls there who are around my age! I also love the outreach activities within the community - I am so blessed to meet such interesting people! Please keep them all in your prayer!
September 2014 - If you want to make God laugh, then tell Him all your plans! Nothing in my life, or probably in anyone's life generally goes completely according to plan. There are always times where you think you know exactly where you are going, then you swerve and go a totally different direction - not necessarily the opposite direction, but a distinctively different one. I can still remember all the things I was taught during my time away from home. One of the most important lessons was to learn to trust. If we don't trust God, then who can we trust? God has sent me to do His mission elsewhere. Far from anything I expected. I am now studying in university and living at home. My heart longs to serve, though, as it always has done. In all things, I seek a way of sharing God's love with others. If that means helping friends with their studies or teaching a child how to ice skate for the first time on the ice rink, or just lending an ear to a friend, then I try to spot such opportunities. I still long to really go out into the streets and serve the poor though. I miss the work I did in outreach, and my heart feels empty. I hear God calling me to reach out to the people where I am, and show them that there is something better than what the next meal might be. I see so many situations where children have been left with domestic helpers and never see their parents, or hardly spend quality time with their families, and this saddens me. Some of these people do not understand what love is, and seek to get the attention of anyone and everyone, such that it could be a "quick fix" to make up for the lost contact and quality time they really need with those close to them. My heart really urges me to do something for them, at least pray for them, and even show them compassion, but also by helping those around them to realise that it is not their fault that those people have such needs, but to understand them and help them is the key to solving behavioural problems. Just pay attention to a child, and spend quality time with them. That's all they need. I have my mission. I know that God has put certain things before me, that my eyes may be opened further, that I may always be able to serve my brothers and sisters.
Lord, I ask that you help me to attend to the needs of your children, with a listening ear and an attentiveness to the Holy Spirit, that I may always serve you and all my brothers and sisters in the love of God. Thank-you, Lord Jesus. Amen.
October 2014 - I am starting to adapt to things more than before, and I find myself settling into University better than I perhaps had initially expected. I'm still trying to find my feet, but somehow, I don't seem as drawn to Religious Life as I once was. For a while now, I have been having doubts, which is why I chose not to enter the Postulancy so soon. The thing is, although I know it's natural for a woman who desires Religious Life to also have the desire to be a mother, I have a sense that very deep inside of me that I don't just want to be a spiritual mother, but also a natural mother too, as in a biological mother with children of her own. I think that's what caused one of my biggest doubts, making me hesitate at the option of Religious Life. As much as I was drawn to other aspects of community living and serving God in the Religious Life, no matter how drawn I was to the charism I believe God gave me, I just had this huge doubt hanging over me. I just couldn't take that step and go ahead with it. The thing is, I actually never bothered to tell anyone - not even my formation mistress at the time. I just thought it was a passing phase, but now I'm starting to wonder if God is trying to tell me that I am actually called to marriage. Well, only time will tell. God, it's in your hands. Amen and Amen.
January 2015 - When I think of what makes me fully alive and fully human, I start having images of serving God in my head and in my heart. Somehow the overwhelming desire to serve, the insatiable desire to give of myself to God grows stronger everyday. When earlier on I had doubts about the possibility of Religious Life, somehow the thought of possibly becoming a Sister one day does dwell in my heart. I am focusing on my studies for the time being, but I just hope and pray for God's guidance, to lead me to wherever He wants me to be. In the mean time, pray that I may always find and make use of opportunities to serve and minister to the people where I am currently. Thanks. God bless you all. Amen. :)
A lot has been happening lately, with developments in all areas of my life. It has been a lot to take in at times, but never too much, since God always gives us the grace to manage whatever it is that is happening in our lives. This I truly believe. Something that has always caught my attention is the fact that as I journey deeper and further into this "forest", on the adventure to discovering God's will for me, I experience both the most beautiful joy and peace in my heart, but at the same time a slight, but healthy sadness; a joy of excitement on this adventure, and a peace so deep that it could only come from God, both of which reassure me that Jesus is walking this path with me, but also 'the little sadness' of knowing that part of that journey means leaving behind some of the greatest things I have ever experienced and the best friends I have had in my life so far.
January 2014 - So much has happened since I last wrote. Many things have become so much clearer and I have found myself, although sometimes saddened by events that have happened in my life, also overjoyed at what God has brought out of every situation. I always remember Romans 8:28 - "God works with those who love Him and will turn all to their good". I have been deepening the discernment process with a particular congregation and over time, I have found myself 'at home' there. There is such a deep peace in my heart that I cannot imagine myself anywhere else. That is where my heart is. I recall a vision I had when I was 17, of building a Chapel/little Church, and for a long time I asked and asked continuously what it meant. After a while I had forgotten about this vision the Lord had given me. Then, on the certificate I was given when received into the Church there was written from Matthew 16:18 - "upon this rock I will build my church". Later in Summer last year that verse resonated with me again when I was in the convent. Then during my last visit 24-26th January 2014, the verse resonated with me again, and that's when I remembered the vision I had. Suddenly it all made sense. This was the Father asking something of me, not in a physical sense, but a spiritual sense. God was asking something from me that I had always been very nervous about. I took a leap of faith, and have made some decisions with the congregation to further my discernment with them, and I will be on a live-in next month. Part of that live-in though, includes going to Youth 2000 in Leeds, which I am very excited about and am looking forward to very much.
May 2014 - Everything is up in the air at the moment. Here is a time that could be looked at in two very different ways. Either we start worrying about what will happen next, and dwell on the "theology of the possibles" (which, by the way, isn't a theology!!) or we can place ourselves completely into the hands of the Lord, trusting that He will bring the best out of each day. We must think of each person we meet as our brother and sister in Christ, as it says in Scripture, "everyone whose life is upright is a child of God" (1 Jn 2:29 - 3:3) and believe that our life is not for ourselves but for God, and also, in an inspiring way, for our brothers and sisters in Christ too. Lately, I have been questioning my motivations for the decisions I made, and I keep asking the Lord if this is what He wants for me. The answer I keep getting is the same I have heard over and over again. The two lines I heard and spoke to one of the Sisters about some time ago "Lord, what do you want me to do?" and "do not delay" keep coming back to me. As well as that, my heart burns and longs to serve more fully, more completely, and nothing in this life could ever satisfy me as much as giving my whole life to God. How could you possibly ask me to choose between the perfect love of our Lord and the society in this world today? It seems such an easy choice to make, but the temptations and lures of this world keep trying to step in and seduce me in different ways. My only prayer in response is for strength and protection, and to always be faithful to our dearly Beloved Lord. I ask that I can learn from the experiences I have had and continue to grow in holiness and closeness towards Jesus. I pray that I may share this strength and the wisdom from what I have learnt with my dear brothers and sisters in Christ, and then I cannot ask for any more than to love Him as fully as possible, by living for Him to bring about His Kingdom. Amen.
June 2014 - Things have been made clearer on my path, although I feel like I only really know half the story. Please God, in September I will start a two year university degree, which will give me an opportunity to grow and mature, as well as clarify further what it is the Lord wants me to do. On one hand, there is still this very deep attraction to being able to serve as a community, to pray together, to work together, to share our lives with each other...and with that the burning desire in my heart to give myself wholly to God, but then there is the pressure from my family and the threat to disown me if I even go to Mass regularly, let alone discern a possible vocation to Religious Life. I know that if God did want me to do anything, He would give me the grace to live out whatever it is He calls me to, but on the other hand, the human side of me wonders whether I could cope with it. Although, saying that, I still have a very deep peace in my heart and a very strong sense of being 'at home' with a particular congregation, and the more "fun" I have, in the sense of spending time with friends or going to theme parks or whatever (you name it!), the more drawn I am to ask to visit the Sisters again...and yet I love my life in London, I love the parish and my friends and family around and I enjoy being in the community - I even cook up random meals for a Christian community every Wednesday just for fun because I know some of the girls there who are around my age! I also love the outreach activities within the community - I am so blessed to meet such interesting people! Please keep them all in your prayer!
September 2014 - If you want to make God laugh, then tell Him all your plans! Nothing in my life, or probably in anyone's life generally goes completely according to plan. There are always times where you think you know exactly where you are going, then you swerve and go a totally different direction - not necessarily the opposite direction, but a distinctively different one. I can still remember all the things I was taught during my time away from home. One of the most important lessons was to learn to trust. If we don't trust God, then who can we trust? God has sent me to do His mission elsewhere. Far from anything I expected. I am now studying in university and living at home. My heart longs to serve, though, as it always has done. In all things, I seek a way of sharing God's love with others. If that means helping friends with their studies or teaching a child how to ice skate for the first time on the ice rink, or just lending an ear to a friend, then I try to spot such opportunities. I still long to really go out into the streets and serve the poor though. I miss the work I did in outreach, and my heart feels empty. I hear God calling me to reach out to the people where I am, and show them that there is something better than what the next meal might be. I see so many situations where children have been left with domestic helpers and never see their parents, or hardly spend quality time with their families, and this saddens me. Some of these people do not understand what love is, and seek to get the attention of anyone and everyone, such that it could be a "quick fix" to make up for the lost contact and quality time they really need with those close to them. My heart really urges me to do something for them, at least pray for them, and even show them compassion, but also by helping those around them to realise that it is not their fault that those people have such needs, but to understand them and help them is the key to solving behavioural problems. Just pay attention to a child, and spend quality time with them. That's all they need. I have my mission. I know that God has put certain things before me, that my eyes may be opened further, that I may always be able to serve my brothers and sisters.
Lord, I ask that you help me to attend to the needs of your children, with a listening ear and an attentiveness to the Holy Spirit, that I may always serve you and all my brothers and sisters in the love of God. Thank-you, Lord Jesus. Amen.
October 2014 - I am starting to adapt to things more than before, and I find myself settling into University better than I perhaps had initially expected. I'm still trying to find my feet, but somehow, I don't seem as drawn to Religious Life as I once was. For a while now, I have been having doubts, which is why I chose not to enter the Postulancy so soon. The thing is, although I know it's natural for a woman who desires Religious Life to also have the desire to be a mother, I have a sense that very deep inside of me that I don't just want to be a spiritual mother, but also a natural mother too, as in a biological mother with children of her own. I think that's what caused one of my biggest doubts, making me hesitate at the option of Religious Life. As much as I was drawn to other aspects of community living and serving God in the Religious Life, no matter how drawn I was to the charism I believe God gave me, I just had this huge doubt hanging over me. I just couldn't take that step and go ahead with it. The thing is, I actually never bothered to tell anyone - not even my formation mistress at the time. I just thought it was a passing phase, but now I'm starting to wonder if God is trying to tell me that I am actually called to marriage. Well, only time will tell. God, it's in your hands. Amen and Amen.
January 2015 - When I think of what makes me fully alive and fully human, I start having images of serving God in my head and in my heart. Somehow the overwhelming desire to serve, the insatiable desire to give of myself to God grows stronger everyday. When earlier on I had doubts about the possibility of Religious Life, somehow the thought of possibly becoming a Sister one day does dwell in my heart. I am focusing on my studies for the time being, but I just hope and pray for God's guidance, to lead me to wherever He wants me to be. In the mean time, pray that I may always find and make use of opportunities to serve and minister to the people where I am currently. Thanks. God bless you all. Amen. :)
December 2015 - It seems that my life has taken a turn from my original plans, and somehow, that is nothing abnormal for the way God likes to reveal things to me. I have changed course in my University, after having discovered more about myself, my strengths and my weaknesses, in order that I may excel and do the best I can with the potential God has blessed me with. I have also stopped discerning a vocation to Religious Life at this moment in time after a long period of prayer and discernment that led me to believe that there is a very strong desire in my heart to be married with children. There is someone in my life who I am very close to, and enjoy his friendship deeply and lovingly, but I am very careful in discerning whether any future plans and developments with this particular young man are merely my own, or also God's will, for I would not wish to against the Will of the Father. Therefore, I must ask for your continued prayers to pray for where God wishes to lead me, since without Him, I am nothing. So long as He is by my side, I may have peace in saecula saeculorum. Amen.
Anyway, I need to get back to work, so love and prayer to all of you!!
Well, that is it for now, but I will be updating this from time to time. Please see the label: "The Story so far: Kim" for more recent updates on my story.
With all God's Love and Blessings,
Kim
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